just like the macy's parade

Okay, this is the post that I've been planning for a while now. Who's excited? Me.

I pass this store every day on my way to work. I guess you'd describe it as an 'adult entertainment' store. So, yeah, when they put up this sign I thought it was hilarious.

In case you can't read the sign. Here are close ups of both the store sign and the seasonal sign:



And, here's every joke I've come up with since seeing the sign. (Feel free to comment with any that I've missed).

1. Stocking stuffer, I hardly know her.
2. Headquarters....get it?
3. I thought Christmas came only once a year.
4. Keep Christmas in your nightstand all the year through.
5. Talk about Santa's little helper.
6. Finally, vixen makes sense as a 'reindeer' name.
7. Buche de noel?
   
8. Trimming, for your tree.
9. Naughty is nice?
10. (Something about the North Pole.)
    

I actually had to pull over on the freeway to take these pictures; so, yeah I'm excited that I actually got to execute this post. I even went to do 'research', hoping that they'd have funny wreaths made out of condoms. But, there was some sort of signing the night that I went to do research and I totally chickened out. Plus, the store's tag line is something like "Knights and Ladies Welcome", and for some reason that tag line kind of skeeves me out.*


*No judgment if you or 'someone you know' are a 'knight' or a 'lady'. I hope they fulfill all of your holiday gift wishes.

in which i write a letter to my old toilet

Dear John,

I didn't know that you weren't what I wanted, that I had moved to a different place. But, I have. I've moved on and I'm not so sorry to say it's over. You see, my landlord gave me a new water efficient toilet. And, he's everything I never knew I always wanted. He's slimmer, taller, free of (germy) baggage. In a word, he's perfect. I didn't mean for this to happen, but as soon as I saw that stack of toilets I started to feel excited in a way that I never have before. And, once I saw the new toilet I knew I'm over you, John. Even though you were always there for me, it's over. It's not me, it's you. I don't think we should be friends.

Robyn

Yep, I got a new toilet! Pretty, right?


Here's the before:
It's hard to see in this pic, but the toilet was pretty old. The screws that attached the lid to the see left black stuff all over, as did the ones that attached the seat to the bowl. Plus, you can barely see this in the picture, but the finish (if that's what you'd call it) was coming off the seat. All of that's to say that the toilet worked fine but was ugly.







Sad old toilets:


That picture reminds me of this Ikea commercial from a few years ago.


Video from YouTube.

are you on the list?

I've started a project list of things I'd like to get done before the holidays are past and it's starting to scare me. There are the basics -- shopping, cleaning, decorating, baking, etc. But, the basics, they're not scaring me. I can fit those things in on weeknights. It's the big projects that aren't great in number, but that are going to be great in time that are starting to haunt me. And, I don't know about you, but when I'm intimidated by something I tend to handle it one way: I procrastinate. So tonight while I managed to cross off a couple things from my basics list, those big ticket items are still out there. And I have nothing to do but to blog about them.

what is the woot?

To start things off, I'm not talking about woot. (The woot deal today is a mini camcorder for $49.95, act now. Also, did you know there's a wine woot? I didn't.) No, I'm talking about the slang word "woot". A friend of mine often exclaims woot in conversation or via email. I'm confused every time, but I'm older than him so I don't want to admit that I have no idea what woot means. But, I don't. Not one bit. And urban dictionary didn't help clear things up either, although according to that resource it's a D&D reference. So, maybe I'm not old, I'm just cool(er).

I haven't shared this blog with said friend yet, he'll be getting an email shortly.

so it goes

Three times this week I've been in public places and realized that Michael Buble was playing. Not only am I apparently frequenting places that are likely to play Michael Buble, but all three times I thought to myself, You know, he actually sounds pretty good. Why exactly have I made fun of him? Yeah, I've definitely started down the slippery slope to becoming my mother.

I still don't match my socks to the approaching holidays though.

it's cloud illusions i recall...

So, I had this whole post planned riffing on TGIF. It was going to be hilarious. Epic, you might say (although you would really be overstating it if you did). But, now I just....can't. So, instead I'll say, I'm really ready for a weekend. And, because I'm in the mood for it, here's a clip of Joni Mitchell singing one of my faves...

TGIF, indeed. See you tomorrow.



Video from YouTube.

two funny things...

Funny thing #1-- On my way into work this morning the song Funky Cold Medina came on the radio. Yeah, it's been a looooong time since I've heard that song and probably longer still since I've paid attention to the lyrics. You know the section where he takes a girl back to his house to hookup and discovers that she's a dude, here's the line that follows that: This is the 80's, and I'm down with the ladies. I laughed so hard when I heard that that I snorted. By the way, this was one of my favorite songs when it came out. What can I say? I've always had good taste.

Funny thing #2-- When I started writing this I was trying to find some slang to make me sound like I'm at all up to date with current vernacular. Yeah, I'm not. I gave up trying to find something on urbandictionary.com and just started reading their words of the day. On November 3rd, the word of the day was right-of-stay. Here's the definition:

when two cars disregard the right-of-way guidelines they were supposed learn from a driver's manual when they were 16, resulting in both cars to remain motionless at an intersection assuming the other car will make the first move. Usually after about 1o seconds both cars will go at the same time which leads to a firestorm of profanity and/or an accident.

There's also a funny dialogue between two cars at said intersection (see link above). People, the problem is real.

2 down, 2 to go

Yesterday I promised rainbows and unicorns. Today, thanks to this article , I bring you unicorns. Plus, just to be safe, here's an awesome picture from Lisa Frank. I'll start working on the sunshine and kittens.

FYI, the tagline for the Lisa Frank web site is 'the site GIRLS love.' I can think of some other sites that involve large phalluses that girls might love. Just saying.

i hate the player, and the game

Okay, I'm no commuting virgin. I mean I blogged about how bizarre my previous commute was. But, at least that one had funny, although extremely odd, moments. Now, my funny moments are few and far between. Now, I just spend my time singing along to the radio and complaining to myself about other drivers. Now, I'm a hater. Seriously y'all, I hate other drivers. I don't think I would feel so strongly if I didn't have so much driving time under my belt after 8 months of a 90-mile round trip daily commute (you're jealous now, right?). But, since I've been trying to get comfortable expressing opinions, I'm rolling with it.

And, speaking of rolling, you know what really irritates me about other drivers? When they don't roll through a 4-way stop. It's not that fucking hard. When you approach a 4-way stop, you can pretty much tell whether another car is going to be there at the same time as you, if there is no one roll the fuck on. I want to honk my horn and yell, Come on people, we're all in this together. Make time! But, I live in the northwest, so I complain to myself, and now to you, Internet.

Speaking of the northwest and 4-way stops. I hate this add. I. Hate. It.



Why on earth would we celebrate the fact that the northwest is filled with pussies?

And thus endeth this complaint session. Tomorrow's post will be all sunshine, rainbows and kittens. Oh, and unicorns.

Video from Pemco Insurance's YouTube page.

potty humor

I came home tonight and there was a flat of toilets in the entrance way to my apartment building. An entire flat. Of toilets. You could say that there was a crap load. Or a shit ton. But, that would be crass.

i wish i could quit you

wesome, that is. I wish I could quit using the word awesome. I guess more accurately I have a love-hate relationship with the word. On the one hand it sounds flat out stupid. People, I specifically, use it incorrectly all the time. Seriously, here are some recent quotes:

• You have Oreos? Awesome!
• Gossip Girl, on the other hand, is scripted awesomeness.
• Folex, my new spot-cleaner, is awesome. Awe. Some.
  

Not a one of those things inspires awe. And, a couple points in my defense about the statements above 1) Oreos are delicious, they may be terrible for you and full of chemicals, but the chemicals work - they're delicious; 2) that statement was about the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, this season has been decidedly less awesome; 3) this is the closest to actually inspiring awe - it's a really good spot cleaner - judge me all you want for being this excited about carpet cleaner.

I went through a phrase during which I was decidedly anti-awesome. I had spent a lot of time around a conservative coworker who kept talking about God's awesome power, God's awesome love, God's awesome awesomeness, etc. And, yeah, technically she was using the word correctly, but it was really annoying. I don't want to be annoying, I especially don't want to be annoying in the same way as a religious wackadoo.

But, there are times when awesome just feels so right. For instance, the web site that letter A is from, Daily Drop Cap, is just awesome. And totally free.

my plans require time & distance

I've got a couple things in the hopper here. First of all, I may have solved one of my lamp dilemmas - huge news, I know. I'll let you know if I pull the trigger and buy the one I'm thinking about. But, more than that (as if there could be more than the great lamp dilemma of '09), I have something I'm so excited to post about. I'm taking some steps to bring that post dream a reality, but in the meantime I'm going to leave you with a teaser. It has to do with a sign I pass on the way to work. It's awesome. Seriously, I spend a lot of time daydreaming jokes about this sign. I hope you find it as amusing as I do.

In the meantime, while I was looking for a bit of Community online that my DVR cut off I found the video below. Didn't think this was possible, but it's better than the original. HI-larious.



Video from NBC, post title is a Marcus Whitman quote.

hope is a cruel mistress....

I grew up in Western Washington, raised by parents who went to Michigan, and I love football. Naturally, I follow Michigan and Udub. Maybe I'm alone in this, but these seasons are almost worse than last year because of one thing: hope. Each team has had a big upset (hello Notre Dame and USC, welcome to this blog) and they've had more than a few nail biters. So, each week I believe that it's possible that one of my teams will win and they just don't that often. I've been hanging in there, not getting too disappointed, and yeah it's great that both the Big-10 and PAC10 have some depth. But, really, Wisconsin and OSU in the same week? Was that necessary?

j'accuse toulouse...

I blame the three cocktails I had at Toulouse Petit for the fact that I didn't post last night. They were delicious, especially the Bitter Love, pictured above. That's why I'm posting now rather than 12 hours ago. Because 12 hours ago I was asleep (read: passed out) on my couch.

Image from Seattlest.

i'm lovin' it

I love True Blood. A lot. I watched enough of it during the holiday yesterday that my internal monologue developed a Louisiana accent. I love True Blood. Or, as it sounds in my head, ah luhve True Bluhd.

Image from HBO.

wednesday in the park with robyn

I go running in a loop around my neighborhood. If you know Queen Anne in Seattle, I run the crown. For me, because of where my apartment is in relation to the crown, I begin and end with Kerry Park. You know Kerry Park. Even if you think you don't know Kerry Park, you know Kerry Park. It's the place in Seattle that almost all skyline shots in Seattle-set movies are filmed. It's this view:

Pretty nice, right? At the end, I even risk the public embarrassment and stretch just to catch the view a little bit longer.

Because the view is awesome - it is, maybe take one more look - there are literally always people taking pictures there. Wedding parties, busloads of tourists, busloads of high school prom-goers, people taking engagement photos, all sorts of pictures. Today there were two weird picture takers. 1) A couple, who clearly weren't in wedding clothes so not a wedding party and she wasn't wearing an engagement ring so I don't think it was an engagement photo either and 2) this group of guys filming something with a professional size camera. Both groups were "interesting" to me.

The couple looked odd. He was wearing really, really skinny jeans, and she was decked in a similar hipster look. Two hipsters in Seattle not news. But, his jeans were just too skinny. And they were black. Seriously they were really skinny jeans. I have two theories on them: 1) they were tourists from somewhere actually fashionable (I'm looking at you New York and San Francisco, or 2) they were musicians that I just didn't recognize. Because I like a good celebrity sighting, I'm going with option two.

The group of guys looked official. There were a lot of them. They were all wearing black, but like 'oh this black sweatshirt I totally wear it every day' not 'let's all wear black tomorrow so that we can steal that big diamond.' Plus, they had not just the big professional size camera. They also had regular cameras and lenses draped around their necks. Plus, a laptop on which they were watching their filming, plus they all had badges (couldn't read them) and then when I was about to leave someone started taking their pictures. Again, I have a theory: they were filming those establishment shots for Grey's Anatomy or something else set in Seattle.

Pretty neat right? Two potential sightings in one visit. Or, another theory, one fevered imagination. I guess we'll never know.

Image from Wikipedia.

it wasn't itsy-bitsy, nor teenie-weenie, not yellow, zero polka dots

Tonight I did my weekly bit to meet another of my recent goals: I went swimming. For the last couple of months, I've been trying to go swimming once a week. And, tonight I did it with a bravery. See my swimsuit was pretty old and each week I've noticed that it's providing less and less coverage. Then, last night I went to put it into my gym bag and I realized that it's basically see through. So today I brought my backup swimsuit. Also known as my two-piece speedo. My red, two-piece speedo (clearly a purchased during a confident moment years ago). See, I've never swum laps in a two-piece, and basically I try to avoid wearing the thing as much as possible. You see at first I was afraid, I was petrified. But now I'm back, from outer space....er, I think I got sidetracked. So, today I wore it. I conquered my fear, slew the dragon, and lived to tell the tale. It turns out, it was kind of nice. I could feel the water on my stomach. And, soon after I got in the pool an older guy got in two lanes down from me wearing a speedo, so I wasn't alone in the risky swimwear department.

Swimming still kicked my ass, though.

running on empty

One of the things I've noticed this past week is that I spend a lot of time coming up with all sorts of interesting ideas for me to blog about each night. Well, I think they're interesting. They're ideas at least. Anyhow, then by the time I'm sitting down to my computer I totally draw a blank as to what I was going to write about.

That happened tonight. I'm totally blanking, Dave Letterman's doing his opening monologue in the background and I keep thinking I know I had something to write about. It makes me think that I should keep lists. Oh, right. I was going to blog about how I'm realizing that if this whole resolution thing is going to work I'm going to need to organize my thoughts better. I used to be a list keeper and think I may need to bond with list-making once again.

I'm hoping for better blogging through organization.

i'm every woman

I fixed a table & chair today. I had to use an adjustable wrench and everything. Yup, that's right. I'm handy. I'm a handy woman.

I then cleaned up my entry area, edited my planters for the past-their-season plants, transplanted an indoor plant for my office, and swept all of the dirt and leaves that all of that activity created.

Then I watched Mad Men. Do you know what Mad Men has in spades? (Don't worry, no spoilers ahead.) Awesome lamps. Including two in Peggy's living room. Apparently fun, city girls like good lighting.

time for a quickie...

It's Saturday and true to my resolutions I'm blogging today. But, I only have a quick moment before I have to run out to work on a Seattle-sports themed shower for a couple dinner party/baby shower that I'm cohosting next weekend. The ultimate challenge: planning a coed baby shower that's not too showery, while still basically being a celebration for the expecting couple and the baby to come. Think cute but not cutesy. The theme works nicely too, hopefully. The key is going to be having it walk the line between sporty enough for the guys attending but not too sporty for the not-a-huge-sports fan mom-to-be. (hyphen much, Robyn?)

Challenge extended...

Maybe this entry should have been titled we've got balls? Too obvious?

lamps!

I'm in the lamp market. I have a lighting problem in my living room. I just bought two new lamps for my bedside tables. So, I've been thinking about lamps and lighting a lot lately. I'm seeing lamps everywhere. I'm basically haunted by lamps.

Total side story here...there was a bed-wetting incident a few years ago. I swear, it wasn't me, but that's not really the point of this tangent. So, anyway after dealing with urine cleanup I smelled urine everywhere. I lived in DC at the time, so probably some of that was actual urine that was on the street. But, I really think that mostly I was haunted by the smell of urine. It just stayed in my nose.

So that's what I keep thinking about when I notice lamps in everything. I watched Revolutionary Road the other night. Yeah, yeah, yeah...great acting, amazing adaptation, etc. You know what else was great about it...incredible lamps. In every room. Even the kitchen. I was like 'oh, this is so sad...that lamp is incredible.' 'Oh, my god it's so upsetting...look at that I'd never think to put a lamp in the kitchen.' Other movies/TV shows with good lighting options: Doubt (there were like four great lamps in Sister Aloysius's office alone), Wilhelmina Slater has an awesome tall white floor lamp with a black drum shade, I even liked one in Meredith's bedroom in the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. They're everywhere.

It's a sickness. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem. And, I do, I have a lighting problem. At some point I'll seek help. From the lighting department of many, many stores.

dude, mother nature's a sensitive bitch

I fired off that last post pretty quickly. Finished typing it and quickly hit the publish button. Then, I heard a huge thunder clap.

So, yeah, mother nature's probably having her monthly visitor and man is that bitch sensitive.

rain, rain go away

Yeah, I live in Seattle so for all intents and purposes I'm not supposed to be surprised by the weather. Especially in November. But, seriously nature, why do you suck so hard? It's fine for it rain in the typical, northwest style where you can't really tell whether it's raining or the air is just turning to sort of dry water. That's fine. Similarly, it would be fine for it be windy. It's November, there's wind, it's useful for getting the leaves off of the trees (yes, we have deciduous trees here too).

But, crazy almost east coast summer humidity relieving rain coupled with mega wind is too much. The power went out as I was leaving work today. You know what sucks harder than driving through a million stop lights on your way to the freeway during what constitutes rush hour in Lakewood? Driving through a million stop lights on your way to the freeway during what constitutes rush hour with the power out, so not only is it super dark and hard to see while it's storming, but the power was out so each and every one of those normally annoying stop lights now had to be treated as a four-way stop. It took approximately ten years for me to reach the freeway. So, I would officially like to register my complaint with mother nature and say, "suck it."

how robyn got her groove back...

Well, actually it's not so much that I've gotten my groove back. It's more like I lost my groove and now I'm posting lost groove posters all over the neighborhood. Except, I'm not actually posting any posters. And, by groove I don't mean the kind that can be cured by an affair by a young (Taye Diggs) Jamaican while on holiday (although that wouldn't hurt), but more like I'm just off. I'm not as funny as I could be, I'm listless at work, doing the very bare minimum to get by. I've even let my house approach disaster disorganization level. It's to the point that I fantasize about the ways that I could organize my closets while I should be building spreadsheets, and when I get home I'm so tired from all the boredom that I just sit and watch hours of not-that-interesting TV.

I think to some degree this feeling comes with the changing of the seasons. Also, I just need some changes. So, I'm blogging. We'll see if the Internet is my young Jamaican. Maybe I can get Taye Diggs and the Internet; that sounds like an unstoppable combination.

when the swamp is a rockin...

So, I recently found myself in a group of folks debating whether alligators have penises and whether they have sex. What? Don't pretend like you haven't had that conversation with your friends. Anyhow, I was pretty sure that I had seen alligators mating at some point but couldn't place where/when I would have seen that. Last night I realized why I had a memory of seeing alligator sex and thought you'd be amused by the story. Here goes:

My freshman year of college I participated in a psych study for a senior psych major I knew. Her thesis was about the effect of watching porn on people or women's (can't remember) body image. I basically participated because I knew the girl who was doing the study, but also in the back of my head I was like, bonus "legitimate" reason to watch porn. Unfortunately for my 18 year old curiosity, but fortunately for this story I was placed in the control group and we watched a nature video about, you guessed it, alligators and mating. I think that the only way my body image was changed was to feel better about my skin.

I just googled alligator sex and it turns out that there's a drink called sex with an alligator (recipe below), it looks disgusting but I do like the way that they spell raspberry in the directions. Once I refined my search I learned that as I suspected, alligators do have penises (and females have clitorises - not sure on plural for that). So, that's that. I'm sure this wasn't weighing heavily on you, but just in case...

I guess now folks might be finding their way to this site by googling alligator sex. What can I say but welcome, and I'm guessing this isn't exactly what you were hoping to find.

Sex with an Alligator recipe

Makes 1 drink

sweet and sour mix
Midori® melon liqueur
1/2 oz raspberry liqueur
1/2 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur

Add sweet and sour & Midori to a shaker w/ice, shake and strain. Layer in razzberry liqueur and jager. Razzberry should go to the bottom and jager should float on top. Works best in Martini glass.

Resolution #2

Okay, don't worry I'm not going to make a resolution every day for a year. That would be silly. This, however, is very serious. Serious Pie, that is.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend, during which I told her about my November resolution to just start blogging and see where it goes. I guess I should be more specific. We were having a delicious dinner. Seriously, seriously good. I mean feast your eyes on this:

Salivating a little, aren't you? It looks pretty good, right? You should see it in the flesh. That's not even the type of pizza we had. We actually shared two: chanterelle with truffle cheese and soft-cooked egg, arugula and a fatty cured ham. Delicious! (Now you're really salivating; feel free to take a moment to wipe away the drool.) I don't know if you understand how good these pizzas were. You could dip your pizza crust in egg yolk. Have you done that? Did you ever dream of it. Well, I hadn't, but I'm going to start dreaming about it. You know why? It was delicious. DELICIOUS.

Anyhow, my friend I have resolved to try all of the pizzas at Serious Pie this winter. I have a feeling that it won't be a terrifically challenging resolution to keep. And that's it. No more resolutions for me (until 2010 at least).

Oh, and I voted.

Image courtesy of kpa.sports flickr photostream.

Are You There Internet? It's Me, Robyn

And so it begins. I've been wanting to start blogging for a while now. Seriously, I'll stand in line behind someone with an interesting tattoo and think maybe I should blog about the interesting (read: bizarre) tattoos I encounter. But then I don't. Or, I'll pass something odd while I'm commuting, like the time I passed the Northwest Taxidermy Academy, complete with partially stuff giraffe out front, and think "the Internet must now about this." But, then I don't. I kept thinking that I had to have a theme. Like my commute, or interesting tattoos, or "damn, people are weird". But, nothing seemed quite right. So, I'm taking the pressure off. I'm just going to blog and see how this thing goes. And that's when I made my resolution. That I would blog about whatever I felt like blogging about, and just see how it goes. That was a couple weeks ago. So, it's obviously not been going well.

All of that is going to change, though. And do you know why, Internet? I have resolved. Yup, I realized that today is the first day of November. And while it's not the beginning of a new calendar year, it is the day I made my first November Resolution. I'm blogging every day and we'll see how it goes. So, Hi Internet, it's nice to meet you. I'm Robyn, we'll be spending some time together. Buckle up.